This thing called marriage

An ugly fight over a very trivial issue between two very nice people married to each other, is what has set me wondering what marriage means to some…..

Marriage appeared to be a game in which winning was very important for both sides….My victory above all…. No ground rules and no room for any referee.

They seemed to be desperate to prove that it was a marriage of equals….equally vicious, equally loud, equally hurtful, and equally violent .....And a show of of rich vocabulary when it came to abuses.

They were hell bent on holding on to the precious nothings……their egos, their views, their expectations, their positions.....not love or respect.

Each could see so clearly how wrong and unreasonable the other one was and how reasonable and right he/she was. They had even kept count of how many times exactly he/she had given in to the other’s views. Wow! What a memory….both must be very intelligent too. I just wonder whether their memory will also retrieve the number of times the other had listened to him/her.

I want to ask them what they thought this thing called marriage was all about when they decided to get married.

What IS marriage all about?

I don’t know what it is about but I can list a few things it is not….

It isn’t a battle for supremacy….. “You vs. Me”

It isn’t a scoreboard keeping track of the hits and misses.

It isn’t about winning the argument and losing love and respect.

It isn’t about belittling the other to prove your greatness.

It isn’t about right and wrong unless moral or ethical issues are involved.

It isn’t about efficiency, capability or intelligence.

It isn’t about your past or the present.

It isn’t about “me” all the time.

It isn’t about fault finding.

It isn’t about “who stayed up all night with the baby” or “who changed the nappies” or “who took the dog for a walk”.

It isn’t about judging the other’s behaviour but judging your own.

It isn’t about equality either. (An estimation of equality in marriage can be considered only after at least ten years of marriage….the overall picture, because in any one situation it will never be 50-50. Sometimes it may be 40-60 or 70-30 or 60-40 or… so maybe over a ten year span one can evaluate how equal it was)

(This list is not exhaustive, needless to say, and I am sure everybody can add to it.)

Easier said than done……..very true…….who said it was easy? Marriage is a lot of hard work......provided, may I add, you want to LIVE with your partner. Loving is the easy part, LIVING together is the tough part.

I do not have a long list of “it is…..” Just one…… it is about love, of course, and lust  for each other, not just for the body, but for the company, the presence, the essence. Everything else derives from this….. because then there WILL be sacrifices, compromises, adjustments, humour, appreciation, enjoyment, fun and excitement......and above all.......forgiveness.

A few are blessed with this understanding to begin with, most of us learn along the way and some learn too late....but everyone learns.....life has a way of teaching us. (Even as I write this, though, I can recall a few lucky ones who got away because they had partners with enough understanding for both.)

Living with Emily

I fell in love with Emily at first sight, but I was not looking forward to living with Emily…..you know, loving and living do not necessarily go hand in hand. I was sure that there were many who would have perhaps given an arm and a leg to be the chosen one and I should consider myself honoured but to me it seemed like the pairing of spring and autumn….I was sure I would not be able to cope with her demands…..definitely not physically. I was regretting the moment of weakness (infatuation?) which had made me agree to the proposal. How could I even think of it at my age? And now it seemed there was no going back without showdowns and ugly scenes and recriminations…

So I landed in Mumbai - all keyed up, excited but apprehensive…about living with Emily. What a rousing welcome I got! Of course I was flattered and gratified but I still wasn’t sure this was the right thing to do. Her parents left that night for their holiday. So Emily and I were alone at last.

I peeped into her bedroom. It had been done up quite nicely. She jumped on to the bed and invited me. Well I was feeling a little tired after my journey and hungry too. Emily also wanted dinner but expected me to do all the cooking and serving. Well, I suppose if you are blessed with drop dead looks like her you can get away with anything. After dinner, she would not settle down and wanted to take a walk. A rather healthy habit, I thought, and would do me no harm to accompany her. And I felt quite proud at the envious glances I got from other walkers. That made me feel very good and I forgot all about the tiredness and all of that.

I wanted to watch some TV programmes but Emily would have none of that. She wanted all my attention…..and love. So be it I said. And what a lovely time we had. Should I give a graphic description? And then both of us fell asleep nose to nose.

Emily was a seductress I tell you. She made things so easy. But she was an early riser…a morning person. I got up in the morning with her breath on my face and her limpid eyes looking adoringly at me. We went for a walk, sat on the bench and enjoyed the early morning sights - little kids being packed off to school, the milk and newspaper deliveries. No words were needed…we were in perfect communion.

We came back home, fooled around with each other, had breakfast, and did our own thing till lunchtime. Wow, how wonderful! The evenings were spent with Emily playfully teasing me or sitting on my lap.

But, Emily would sometimes become very excited and overwhelmed by her emotions and she had long nails and well, I got scratched! Thank God, I wasn’t going to work – it could have been embarrassing. But she was such a darling….she got her nails clipped even though she hated it.

She had many friends and admirers in the colony where she lived and I was rather possessive but I need not have worried. After her parents, she loved me the most. Many people came up to talk to me as we walked in the evenings……I knew they were eyeing Emily….I was just an excuse to get close to her. But I ended up making a couple of friends.

She did not mind my old friends coming over or my going out with them…..but not in the evenings or nights….which had to be hers exclusively. She would get very upset if she was left alone in the evening. I learnt that the hard way. I came back one night to find the book I was reading in shreds. And believe me I had a hard time making up with her. It was the last time I made that mistake.

She loved being pampered and was quite a foodie. That was another thing we had in common. We enjoyed good food and did not believe in diets and restraint.

But the difference in our age did catch up and I found it increasingly difficult to keep up with her energy levels. And I had my family waiting for me at home. I did not know how to explain all this to her. I had to leave. And her parents were coming back too.

My dear dear Emily, I hope you will understand……I love you very much and will always be there for you…….but you need a younger companion.

 

Celebrating Teej

On the Shukla Tritiya of Bhadrapad, Hartalika Teej is celebrated in many parts of our country especially, Bihar, U.P., Maharashtra and Rajasthan. Lord Shiv and Parvati are worshipped by the womenfolk. Teej celebrates the union of Shiva and Parvati. As the katha goes, Parvati was deeply in love with Lord Shiva who was an ascetic and not even aware of her existence. Her father had promised her hand in marriage to Lord Vishnu. But Parvati was determined to marry Shiva. She performed penance in the Himalayas for many years till Shiva was forced to take notice of her and accept her proposal. On Teej, therefore, married women fast and pray for the well-being of their husbands and conjugal happiness....unmarried girls also fast so that they may be blessed with good husbands. The fast, of course, like all Hindu festivals includes dressing up in new clothes and jewellery and singing and dancing, often through the night. 

When I married a Bihari, this was the only fast that my mother-in-law asked me to do and I have religiously done so now for 30 years. I did not question it but my feminist friends questioned me….Why do you fast for the man? Does he reciprocate and fast for you? Such male chauvinism! Even after so much education you are following patriarchal values….and so on and so forth in the same vein. These arguments did have a point. I thought about the issues of gender equality, reciprocity, conflict of my own beliefs and actions raised by them and here I present the reasons why I continued to "religiously" observe Teej. This is especially for my very young friend who is likely to get married in the near future and may have to follow some similar traditions and rituals, which she does not subscribe to…in principle.

• It isn't about principles, it’s about love. 
• I do not understand and appreciate all the rituals or the reasons for the festival but I do understand and appreciate the sentiments and beliefs of those who have my good at heart and love and care for me. 
• That is why, to give an example, I do not believe that applying sindoor is auspicious for my husband. Yet I do apply sindoor because it is a custom, it pleases my mother and mother-in-law, and it makes no difference to me……This is just one of the insignificant-to-me things I follow because they are significant to those whom I love and respect. 
• I do not believe that by fasting on Teej, the longevity of my husband’s life is impacted. 

At the same time…

• I do believe that fasting is good for my body because it is an opportunity to detox and it makes me appreciate and be thankful for the goodies on other days. So, some festivals are for feasting and some for fasting. Does it matter for what or for whom? 
• I do believe that I am expressing gratitude to God for having a loving and faithful partner. 
• I do believe that Teej (or for that matter Karvachauth) is just a festival like Holi, Diwali, Dussehra, Navratras…. I haven’t had anyone ask me why I celebrate Holi or Diwali. 
• I do believe that the origins of Teej are from a time when women did not enjoy personal freedom and economic independence. Therefore the character and attributes of the man they married had a far greater impact on the quality of their life than we can imagine. 

True, the scenario is different now, at least for women like me and my young friend who has been fortunate enough to receive a good education and gender has never significantly hindered our ambitions and aspirations. But as I see it, these are festivals whose significance and meaning have changed with the times but their celebration is a part of our culture just like our traditional attire, our cuisine, our music, dance and arts.

Most of our festivals have their origins in an agrarian society and are related to harvesting and planting seasons. How many of us can say that when we celebrate Holi, Diwali, Onam, Sankranti, Dussehra, we even remember their connection with the agricultural cycle…….we continue to celebrate the festivals ….so also Teej.

In fact, what I find more selfish and chauvinistic is the use of toxic chemicals in the colours in Holi and the noise and air pollution caused by crackers in Diwali, the pollution of our rivers and the sea and not to mention the noise during the festivals of Ganesh Chaturthi and Durga Pooja, than the simple fasting on Teej.

I hope this makes some sense to you, my friend….

The Slut Walk

Delhi has just witnessed the first Slut Walk.

I should have the freedom to wear what I want without fear of assault – verbal or physical, implicit or explicit.
Why am I slotted in the category of “loose” when the garments are too tight?
It’s my body and I will dress/undress in public as I please – so what if others find it revealing or titillating or inappropriate.
I should not be slotted in categories based on the clothes I wear. I am not my clothes.
Who decides what is appropriate and what is not?
How can you say that I invited trouble by wearing what I did?

Very true.....

Why should I lock my house when I go out?
It’s my house, the gate/door /wall marks the boundary and everybody knows that, things inside the house are my possessions and anybody entering without my permission is an intruder/ transgressor/thief.
If I leave my house unlocked and it is burgled why do people blame me and not the intruder?
With domestic help in the house why am I advised not to leave cash and valuables lying around?
How can you say I invited trouble by putting temptation in their path?

Very true .......

I have two options – take the safer one and lock my house or believe in the sanctity of ownership and leave it open.

See any connection?

I am a staunch advocate against sexual violence or harassment and firmly believe that no woman “asks” to be raped or molested. At the same time, I believe that appropriate dressing is contextual and decorum cannot be thrown to the winds. It’s just like taking appropriate steps to safeguard your home.

Correct me if I am wrong.

Thank God she's not alive

Sex ratio – a term which most people would have now become familiar with considering that the newspapers have been full of the sex ratio figures as revealed by the census. The child sex ratio is falling – that is the number of girls per 1000 boys in the 0-6 age group is decreasing. Now what, may I ask, is surprising about that? We as a society do not value our women so they are always the last to get medical help. And women themselves have been told for centuries that they must put everyone else before themselves so they do not even demand services. They have no economic value assigned to their work so one less or thousands less makes no difference to the GDP. Education too – they are lucky if they get it – even if they do, many end up sacrificing their potential for family or at the feet of the husband’s ego….. the usual refrain!

And there begins the cycle where the woman who has not felt valued by society and learnt not to value herself becomes society’s accomplice in eliminating the girl child. And so begins the downward spiral of the child sex ratio. Technology has made it easy and guilt-free. All you need to do is to find an unscrupulous doctor, get an ultrasound done, understand the unsaid message and decide. You could go a step further – chose the male embryo from the petri-dish. No bloodshed, no guilt, no evidence.

So far so good – but what defies logic is why prosperity and education are not making an impact. My grandmother believed that education would empower her daughters and she braved all opposition to send her daughters to school and university in the 1940s. She was sure that by the time her granddaughter grew up there would be no difference between a son and a daughter. Thank God she is not alive to see this day – how would I have explained this trend to her.

shadi 3 crore ki

I have noticed that celebrations, be it birthdays or anniversaries or marriages, seem to be getting bigger and bigger and of course costlier and costlier. (And simultaneously, relationships are becoming more and more fragile and tenuous. People are willing to pay any price to be exclusive / unique / first-to-do-this or that; but unwilling to invest time and effort in relationships).

Nobody wants to be left behind in this race and few have the courage to stand out. (Somewhat strange - considering that you can only be a loser at the end of it – of resources if you are lucky, and much more if you are not).

So, even my maid whose monthly income from all sources would be about Rs. 5000.00 per month hosts a birthday party which boasts of balloons, festoons, fairy lights, chocolate cake, soft drinks, a magician and return gifts. She borrows and borrows without a qualm and when I try to reason with her to avoid these unnecessary expenses she actually misunderstands my motives (jealousy she implies! You people don’t want us to progress!!!).

While I am smarting, I suddenly remember all the applications for loans and withdrawals from Provident Fund accounts for weddings, that I recommended and forwarded for sanction as head of a branch and wonder why I am dissuading her – she’s borrowing to spend for a birthday, many of us borrow to spend on our daughter’s weddings. What’s the difference really? We are both spending beyond our means. And why do we do that? To live up to or surpass the aspirations and expectations set by some X or Y or by what is glamourised in movies and TV serials? What is it in human nature, which makes us ape extravagance and not emulate simplicity?

It must be this aspect of human weakness that has prompted the reality show “Shadi 3 crore ki”. As I pondered my first idle thought was - why only 3 and not 5 or 10? And what will they show I wondered. Not much ingenuity would be required with a budget like that unless one had the choice of arranging the wedding in the minimum amount and pocket the rest!

Second thought – in our country where traditionally the wedding expenditure is largely borne by the girl’s parents, what kind of impact will it have? After all, parents of daughters in this day and age too, lament the fact that they are unable to find a befitting match unless they are willing and able to shell out dowry. Or they have to compromise on the qualities / qualifications / social status. Many, instead of being proud rue the fact that their daughter is very highly qualified or earning well because an equally qualified boy comes with a prohibitive price tag. In fact, daughters are being eliminated in the womb because they are seen as a burden (the chief one being expenditure on marriage).

Censors object to heroes /heroines smoking on screen because they feel it will incite/inspire young people to emulate them – in similar vein I fear “shadi 3 crore ki” will fuel unrealistic aspirations and increase the burden on girls and their parents.

Painful parting

It’s not so long ago that my husband was posted to Bombay. (I mean 20 years is not a long time ……). How hard we tried to get a change but that was not to be. How we cursed his Personnel Dept for their rigid stance. I came very reluctantly, very unhappily. And then I fell in love with Bombay. Pure, unconditional and consistent - despite the squalor or the bursting at the seams local trains or the ever dug up roads, the traffic, the concrete, the weather, whatever….. 'twas the love of a mature woman as she aged from 33 to 53 years and Bombay became Mumbai.

I discovered myself in Bombay. It is here that I shed the burden of guilt for being a working mother. It is here that I learnt that it was OK to ask my husband to help me with household chores. It is here that I learnt not to distrust strangers. It is here that I got and overcame a dreaded disease. It is here that my daughter grew up without fear of molestation or eve teasing. I learnt to value the maids who taught me quite a few lessons in professionalism. I understood what it meant to pursue your dreams and gathered the courage to shrug off my boring job. I shed a lot of unnecessary baggage.

Now suddenly its time to bid adieu to my love and move on to Delhi.

My first memory of Delhi is when my mother and I (10 years old) accompanied my father on his official trip. While he went to work, we went on Delhi Darshan – Jantar Mantar, Qutab Minar, Ashoka Pillar, Humanyun’s Tomb, Purana Qila, Red Fort, India Gate, Rashtrapati Bhavan, Parliament House, Connaught Place and the University. It was awesome considering that I lived in Allahabad and all my outstation trips were confined to various uncles, aunts and cousins in Lucknow, Gorakhpur and Kanpur.

So when I qualified for admission to B.Sc in Miranda House, I was thrilled. But my wings were trimmed before I could fly. After much debate and discussion and heartburn, it was decided that I was too young and impressionable for Big Bad Delhi and so was packed off to Jaipur instead.

My tryst with Delhi was destined and three years later I was there for my post graduation – none the wiser but definitely older. I reveled in the (relative) freedom, couldn’t get enough of Nirulas, Giggles, Softy at Standard, D’pauls cold coffee, Univ Coffee House, Tib Dhabs. Loved the DU campus, the Physics Dept., and the dashing prof. who made me weak at the knees and whose sheer existence made the choice of Physics seem worthwhile. I made lifelong friends, one of whom I married.

I can’t quite pinpoint when the infatuation with Delhi wore off. Delhi lost its charm (even when viewed from a place like Patna, our first posting after marriage). It seemed too brash, too cunning, too rude, too matlabi, too hot, too cold- too “everything” for me.

Now back to Delhi – a wee bit wiser, and a lot older. Let’s see what it holds……..