A letter to Angelina Jolie

My dear Angelina,

The world is singing paeans to your bravery and heroism……..but I am struggling to find meaning in your actions. You have willingly chosen to have a double mastectomy as a preventive measure against breast cancer. A double mastectomy……any woman’s worst nightmare. When you tested positive for the BRCA1 gene and were told that you had a 87% chance of getting breast cancer, did the doctor not spell out the other non-invasive monitoring mechanisms? Like regular breast self-examination and screening both clinically and technologically at periodic intervals? Were you not told that breast cancer can be cured if detected sufficiently early? Were you aware that if you did not chop off your breasts and were at some stage to contract the disease, the treatment would have involved surgical removal of the lump only (if detected early) and at worst the whole breast?

So what have you done? You have put yourself through an agonising procedure even WITHOUT the disease.  For all you know you could have been in the lucky 13% but you messed it up big time. You did not give yourself a chance. Poor misguided soul……..I feel really sorry for you. Only a person of sound mind is allowed to take decisions…..how were you allowed to…….because a mind gripped and paralysed by fear is not sound.

I am wondering how far this fear and insecurity will take you.  Which organ goes next? The ovaries of course and then I suppose the uterus and definitely the appendix and the gall bladder and perhaps stents in the arteries before they get clogged or even better a bypass surgery. And, then, I suppose you, Angelina Jolie, (or whatever is left of you) expect to live happily ever after. Amen!

You may say that it is your body and your life. So go ahead, but why glorify it? Aided and abetted by the media which is putting you on a pedestal and making poor gullible individuals out there wishing they had the money to safeguard themselves in similar fashion.

You seem to have forgotten that we are all mortal. While we are alive, we should live healthy and eat healthy,  and revere our body, but where is the wisdom in trying to fix something before it is broken and at what cost? You may feel that by removal of your breasts you have eliminated the possibility of suffering associated with cancer. You may think you have outsmarted the Creator who wrote your destiny………but He is having the last laugh…….He can see that, breast cancer or not, ……..you have inflicted on yourself all the physical and mental trauma that breast cancer diagnosis brings - dis-figuration of the body and fear of suffering and death. You will be fine, yes, till you are consumed by the next fear.

There is a very thin line between heroism and foolhardiness……depends on where you are looking from. Your actions remind me of the story of Don Quixote and the Windmills.

May God bless you with good sense and faith.

Yours affectionately,

Nitwit

My timeless, ageless, priceless “Miss”

1A, 1D, 2A, 3A, 4A, 5C, 6B, 7B, 8B, 9A, 11………these alpha numerals spell my journey in St. Mary’s Convent High School, Allahabad (SMC). 10 is missing because for that one year I was in a different school as my parents moved to Jaipur and SMC had no hostel, otherwise, I would have lived out my fantasies of St. Clare’s and Mallory Towers.

6B and 7B stand out in my memory because of you, Miss........Mrs. Jaya Padmanabhan to the rest of the world but forever "Miss" to me. That is what we called all the teachers unless they were nuns, who were “sisters” or “mothers”. There were no males but for our basketball coach! You had joined the school that year and were assigned 6B as class teacher. You were new and we were the veterans. About 30 or 35 eleven year olds on the threshold of adolescence.We must have been more than a handful.

 I still remember my first glimpse of you on the first day of the session, as you marched into 6C to ask whether Nivedita Shrivastava was there. I was, and refused to go with you to my allotted section. All my classmates from 5C were promoted to 6C……I could not understand why my section had been changed. I have often in later years marveled at my audacity in resisting the change. There you were…….a portly figure, hair drawn neatly into a plait, beautiful complexion, a nose-pin (on the south Indian side), bright eyes hidden behind thick spectacles and a very firm and clear voice.

I dragged my feet as I followed you into “your” (not "my") section, both defeated and defiant. I was determined to dislike you. What a beginning to the most memorable and wonderful two years.I didn't know then that it would be two years. Who foresaw that you would be promoted with us J and be our class teacher in 7B? I do not think such a coincidence ever happened in the history of SMC.

I remember each one of my teachers right from Mrs. Hogg (1A) to Miss Caston (11). All memorable in their own ways,  but……there was always this qualifying “but”…..some were short on patience, some on intelligence, some on involvement, some on perception, …..some were self- absorbed, some played favourites, some were plain eccentric.

And you……despite starting off on the wrong foot………YOU……. just barged into my heart.

You taught us English, History, Geography, Arithmetic, Algebra, Geometry, Science……and much more…….

You stimulated and challenged us. You knew our strengths and weaknesses but made sure that neither overwhelmed us. You brought out the best in each one. You did not try to fit all of us into the same mould. You made sure the shy ones spoke up and the talkative ones learnt to listen. We learnt to compete but also rejoice in a classmate’s success and victory. We learnt the value of humility and pride. We learnt the difference between naughtiness and indiscipline. You saved us from the wrath of the nuns and sometimes our parents too. You knew when to punish and when to condone. And what fun we had……..Even those thick lenses could not hide the twinkle in the eyes. Sometimes you too had a tough time keeping a straight face as you empathised and, dare I say, enjoyed our mischief. We were “your girls”…….and as “your girls” there were boundaries of decorum and discipline we could not cross. If we did, you gave us the “look” and at worst “the cold treatment”. That was enough. “Your girls” had to be the best!

You gave us so much love………you know I used to feel that you loved me the most……….but now when I exchange notes with classmates, I find that each girl felt the same way!

I realised all this much later…….back then as an 11-12 year old, all I knew was that you loved me……..and how much……..and that you understood me. I would work double hard, in fact, outdo my capability for a word of praise from you.  I blossomed and bloomed in that love. It all came back to me in a flash as I heard that same strong, loving voice over the phone more than 4 decades later. I talked to you and was again enveloped in that warmth……..all was well with the world and everything will be alright.

Yes, Miss, when you say so.

This thing called marriage

An ugly fight over a very trivial issue between two very nice people married to each other, is what has set me wondering what marriage means to some…..

Marriage appeared to be a game in which winning was very important for both sides….My victory above all…. No ground rules and no room for any referee.

They seemed to be desperate to prove that it was a marriage of equals….equally vicious, equally loud, equally hurtful, and equally violent .....And a show of of rich vocabulary when it came to abuses.

They were hell bent on holding on to the precious nothings……their egos, their views, their expectations, their positions.....not love or respect.

Each could see so clearly how wrong and unreasonable the other one was and how reasonable and right he/she was. They had even kept count of how many times exactly he/she had given in to the other’s views. Wow! What a memory….both must be very intelligent too. I just wonder whether their memory will also retrieve the number of times the other had listened to him/her.

I want to ask them what they thought this thing called marriage was all about when they decided to get married.

What IS marriage all about?

I don’t know what it is about but I can list a few things it is not….

It isn’t a battle for supremacy….. “You vs. Me”

It isn’t a scoreboard keeping track of the hits and misses.

It isn’t about winning the argument and losing love and respect.

It isn’t about belittling the other to prove your greatness.

It isn’t about right and wrong unless moral or ethical issues are involved.

It isn’t about efficiency, capability or intelligence.

It isn’t about your past or the present.

It isn’t about “me” all the time.

It isn’t about fault finding.

It isn’t about “who stayed up all night with the baby” or “who changed the nappies” or “who took the dog for a walk”.

It isn’t about judging the other’s behaviour but judging your own.

It isn’t about equality either. (An estimation of equality in marriage can be considered only after at least ten years of marriage….the overall picture, because in any one situation it will never be 50-50. Sometimes it may be 40-60 or 70-30 or 60-40 or… so maybe over a ten year span one can evaluate how equal it was)

(This list is not exhaustive, needless to say, and I am sure everybody can add to it.)

Easier said than done……..very true…….who said it was easy? Marriage is a lot of hard work......provided, may I add, you want to LIVE with your partner. Loving is the easy part, LIVING together is the tough part.

I do not have a long list of “it is…..” Just one…… it is about love, of course, and lust  for each other, not just for the body, but for the company, the presence, the essence. Everything else derives from this….. because then there WILL be sacrifices, compromises, adjustments, humour, appreciation, enjoyment, fun and excitement......and above all.......forgiveness.

A few are blessed with this understanding to begin with, most of us learn along the way and some learn too late....but everyone learns.....life has a way of teaching us. (Even as I write this, though, I can recall a few lucky ones who got away because they had partners with enough understanding for both.)