An ugly fight over a very trivial issue between two very nice people married to each other, is what has set me
wondering what marriage means to some…..
Marriage appeared to be a game in which winning was very
important for both sides….My victory above all…. No ground rules and no room for any referee.
They seemed to be desperate to prove that it was a marriage of
equals….equally vicious, equally loud, equally hurtful, and equally violent .....And a show of of rich vocabulary when it came to abuses.
They were hell bent on holding on to the precious nothings……their egos, their views, their expectations, their positions.....not love
or respect.
Each could see so clearly how wrong and unreasonable the
other one was and how reasonable and right he/she was. They had even kept count
of how many times exactly he/she had given in to the other’s views. Wow! What a
memory….both must be very intelligent too. I just wonder whether their memory will
also retrieve the number of times the other had listened to him/her.
I want to ask them what they thought this thing called marriage was all about when they decided to get married.
What IS marriage all about?
I don’t know what it is about but I can list a few things it
is not….
It isn’t a battle for supremacy….. “You vs. Me”
It isn’t a scoreboard keeping track of the hits and misses.
It isn’t about winning the argument and losing love and
respect.
It isn’t about belittling the other to prove your greatness.
It isn’t about right and wrong unless moral or ethical
issues are involved.
It isn’t about efficiency, capability or intelligence.
It isn’t about your past or the present.
It isn’t about “me” all the time.
It isn’t about fault finding.
It isn’t about “who stayed up all night with the baby” or “who
changed the nappies” or “who took the dog for a walk”.
It isn’t about judging the other’s behaviour but judging
your own.
It isn’t about equality either. (An estimation of equality
in marriage can be considered only after at least ten years of marriage….the
overall picture, because in any one situation it will never be 50-50. Sometimes
it may be 40-60 or 70-30 or 60-40 or… so maybe over a ten year span one can
evaluate how equal it was)
(This list is not exhaustive, needless to say, and I am sure everybody
can add to it.)
Easier said than done……..very true…….who said it was easy? Marriage
is a lot of hard work......provided, may I add, you want to LIVE with your partner. Loving is the easy part, LIVING together is the tough part.
I do not have a long list of “it is…..” Just one…… it is about
love, of course, and lust for each other, not just for the body, but for the company, the presence, the essence. Everything else derives from this….. because then there
WILL be sacrifices, compromises, adjustments, humour, appreciation, enjoyment,
fun and excitement......and above all.......forgiveness.
A few are blessed with this understanding to begin with, most of us learn along the way and some learn too late....but everyone learns.....life has a way of teaching us. (Even as I write this, though, I can recall a few lucky ones who got away because they had partners with enough understanding for both.)
A few are blessed with this understanding to begin with, most of us learn along the way and some learn too late....but everyone learns.....life has a way of teaching us. (Even as I write this, though, I can recall a few lucky ones who got away because they had partners with enough understanding for both.)
