Tata Memorial Hospital (TMH) organised a programme to
raise awareness on breast cancer and salute the individuals who grapple with
the disease. The unique
event, on 30th October, 2017 - ‘Inspiring
Art from Adversity’, was built around the aesthetic exposition and expression
of human will and determination in troubled circumstances. Bringing about a
creative synergy to the experience of breast cancer, the students of the
renowned JJ School of Art were commissioned by Abbott Pharmaceuticals to depict
a cancer patient’s pathway using the refined medium of art. This grand
initiative that generated twenty-five art masterpieces was appropriately titled,
“Prerna (inspiration)”.
I was invited on this occasion to share my experience. Here is the text of my speech:
I was invited on this occasion to share my experience. Here is the text of my speech:
I am honoured to be here
and sharing the stage with Ms. Devika Bhojwani and Ruby Ahluwalia. Ruby is a
dear friend and I have witnessed her journey at close quarters. When Nishu
called me, my first reaction was that I have nothing to my credit so what can I
possibly share…..But even as she persuaded me, I realised that all of us who
have been through this experience have made some difference somewhere and if
nowhere else, then at least each one of us has grown and transformed for the
better. Destiny has a way of choosing its subjects very carefully …..choosing
the ones who will make a difference as Devika, Ruby, and many more have done.
So I try to remember that I am among the chosen ones.
Cancer was, and still is,
spoken in hushed tones and obituaries thought of and drafted as soon as the diagnosis
is delivered. It is also associated with a painful end. Our movies and media
have only served to reinforce this. In fact, this notion was so deeply embedded
in my consciousness that if I was playing rapid fire and you said cancer I
would have responded with hopelessness or end or some such word. This is of
course before my own brush with cancer. Now my response would be curable or second
chance. I first saw cancer at close quarters when my father in law was
diagnosed with the disease in 1995 and underwent treatment at TMH for the
following seven years. It was a difficult journey for him and all of us.
It was while he was being
treated for recurrence of cancer that I felt a very small hard nodule in my
breast….I say nodule because it was so small it did not deserve the status of a
lump. I ignored it. It didn’t even cross my mind that it was worth
investigating. Soon it grew into a lump in a matter of four months. That’s when
I first saw a doctor. The verdict was cancer. And as you will all agree nothing
prepares you for this diagnosis. I had seen and nursed my father in law through
cancer……but it is one thing to tell someone how to handle the diagnosis and treatment
and quite another to practise it.
My diagnosis came at a
time when my father in law was not too well and needed a lot of assistance and
care. We did not want to upset him with my diagnosis and add to his burden so we
kept up a pretence of all being well and I decided to do all initial hospital
trips for tests etc. on my own. It kept me busy and left me with little time to
brood. Further, I imagined the journey would be a long one and I wanted my
family to conserve their energy for a time when I needed it more. After all
life will and has to go on.
I count myself among the
fortunate ones who are blessed with good health (yes I had cancer but I was in
good shape otherwise) and resources …..I mean finances, friends and family. Friends
were my great support. Family was my strength and weakness too. I realised that
they were suffering as much if not more than me. And I can’t tell you how
grateful I was to God that it was me and not them. This I could bear, that I
could not have.
For me, the simplest way
I can describe my experience is that it
was a journey of faith ……faith in everything…..doctor, hospital, god, destiny, goodness,
self……that everything that was happening was good for me in some way……and
believe me it was. I wasn’t young when I was diagnosed…..I was 43……it seems
young now though…….but cancer made me realise that I was living life pretty
thoughtlessly and like I was going to live forever. Putting off things for tomorrow……whether
it was an apology, or charity or fun and enjoyment, or pursuing my interests,
or calling and visiting old friends and relatives. The biggest reminder this
disease gave me was that I was mortal….. Tomorrow may literally not come …….Life
as it existed would end one day. So every moment is precious…..not necessarily
to be used in some way but definitely to be savoured. To be alive took on a new meaning. My doctor (no
marks for guessing who it is….Dr. Badwe) helped me realise that it is not the
length of one’s life that is material but how well it is lived. And that
thought or sentiment stayed with me and guided me through. You know, after my
mother underwent cataract surgery, she was delighted because, though nothing in
the house or environment had changed, all the colours seemed brighter and
clearer. Cancer did that to me. That’s the closest analogy I can think of.
Everything was the same as before but every experience became sharper, sweeter,
and brighter. I consciously stopped
thinking or questioning how long I would live. Tried to live each day as well
as I could in the circumstances.
I am by nature impatient.
But at TMH you have to wait and wait and wait. You will be seen but you have to
wait. The treatment and TMH taught me
patience or maybe surrender is a better word. By surrender I don’t mean give
up. Sometimes you have to surrender and conserve your energy rather than
fighting what cannot be changed. During chemotherapy, often the discomfort is
not eased by anything….you just have to wait it out. You can crib or cry or
curse but the body and the drugs take their own time. One learns “This too
shall pass”. And this training has stood me very well in many life situations
faced later.
I
learnt many things about breast cancer, its increasing incidence in urban
India, lack of awareness about it which made for poor prognosis and survival,
and cultural inhibitions among women in talking about their bodies and bodily
changes and so on. I was also acutely aware of all the emotional upheaval that
the patient and family goes through. I was very keen to contribute in some way
towards spreading awareness about breast cancer and also providing support to
those going through it. One always emerges stronger from this experience but it
is nice if there is someone to hold your hand while you walk just to encourage
you when you may be losing hope or help you shift your perspective. I had so
many who helped me on this journey and I almost felt compelled to contribute in
some way.
I
was a risk averse, tread the straight and narrow kind of person. Having come so
close to losing it all I learnt to take some risks. Cancer gave me the strength
and insight to confront my insecurities and gather the courage to leave a job
where I was stagnating in every way but was not quitting because status quo was
so comfortable. Then I could devote time for volunteering at TMH and other
social causes. Between then and now I also did things which I never thought I
would attempt……I started a blog, learnt swimming and singing and blithely
performed at social gatherings! These maybe easy things for many but for me they
were milestones!
However
I did have inhibitions in talking about cancer and my experience on a public
platform.. It took me quite some time to get over that. It is my doctor who
egged me on and the first time I shared my journey with breast cancer was at
the breast cancer support conference in 2006. Talking about it publicly was cathartic
and I realised that was when I
healed completely….. inside out.
In
2007, along with a survivor I met during my treatment and now a very dear
friend, and supported and encouraged by Dr. Badwe, Dr. Parmar and Dr. Sarin we
introduced a post operative rehabilitation cum group counselling session for
the breast cancer patients with a small takeaway which includes a bag to carry
the drain and a small cushion to support the arm. This is well institutionalised
now. And this friend is none other than Mamta Goenka, now a three time survivor
and a very well-known face and loved volunteer at TMH.
For
me coming to TMH has always been like a pilgrimage. The courage and resilience
of the patients never fails to inspire. My own troubles fade into
insignificance and remind me to be grateful. I deeply admire all the doctors
and staff here and have learnt a lot by observing their dedication and
compassion. So I will sign off by saying that I do believe that my tryst with
cancer has been enlightening and transforming and since my husband and daughter
are not present here to contradict me… I can safely say that I am a better
person for this experience. I try to never forget
Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que será, será
