God help me

Every Thursday I go for satsang along with my mother-in-law. To begin with I used to drop her and fetch her, then slowly started sitting through it. The idea was that it would give her an opportunity to socialize and at the same time spend some “quality” time. Apart from the bhajan singing and chanting, there is usually a discussion on God, the importance of the holy name and chanting it and other philosophical tenets of the particular sect. I do not completely understand or subscribe to all the views but I continued to participate because at least once a week I thought I was doing something religious.

Last Thursday, the discussion veered around belief/non-belief in God and that death would be cruel for those who did not believe in God (at least this is what I understood). While we all know that death is inevitable, it is true that most of us live our lives as though we are immortal, despite reminders. And even the most pious amongst us seems to be as afraid of death as anybody else. When we hear a diagnosis of cancer, the first reaction is fear – fear of death. Why should non-believers be more frightened of death than believers, I wondered. In what way does belief in God lessen the fear?

This discussion set off another train of uncomfortable thoughts. Am I a believer or non-believer? Essentially how would belief/disbelief in God impact the everyday life of an average person? Its not as if non-believers are “bad” people, nor can one say that believers are “good” people. And who defines “bad” and “good’? Does life have more meaning for believers than non-believers? Or is it vice-versa?

Till that instant, if I had been asked whether I believe in God, I would have said “yes” without much thought. But the point is, I had never really thought about it. Like I am born a Hindu, it seems I was born believing that there is a (?) God (s). And so for 52 years of my life I never questioned the existence of God or my belief. I have questioned practices and rituals but not the existence of God.

I wondered what makes believers believe. As I got thinking about it, I could see more arguments for not believing in God. Yet it is not so. Only a small fraction of the world’s population is atheist.

Then what is it that has sustained this concept through the ages? For the common person has it been the proverbial security blanket - something to clutch and hold on to when disturbed and bewildered by the vagaries we call life?

Or that which is beyond human comprehension is conveniently attributed to God. (Many such divine theories have bitten the dust over the ages with new scientific discoveries.)

Or has it been promoted tacitly by society to ensure some degree of order in the human world?

Having said all this, I still cannot let go of God. I feel insecure and incomplete without my belief. Why I wonder? Is it just a habit? My comfort zone? Am I secretly afraid that I will be punished if I let go of this belief (which just means I believe in someone all powerful up there watching over my thoughts and actions)?

Or is God Hope? Hope for better things, hope for forgiveness, hope for meaning which I can’t see today, hope for miracles, hope for guidance, hope for redemption, hope for another chance…..

My head is full of questions and doubts. Wish I could just open the lid and empty it out. And be a simple person for whom faith is all there is. Faith and simplicity go hand in hand. I am neither simple nor do I have faith.

GOD HELP ME.